Coming Home……

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Today I have been packing for my first trip home in 5 plus years.  I have to say it is a little scary.  I keep putting out there that it will all be ok, but there is a part of me that is worried and nervous, just a bit.  I am going to see my mother for the first time since last year when I told her I was officially changing my gender.  She has been amazingly, I mean more than I ever imagined, supportive of me and my decision.  She has asked me what I want, if I am happy, how will this change things in my life, am I sure, what did she do wrong…. these and many other things have some up in the last year.  We have gotten through each question, concern, fear, joy, excitement supporting each other.  For this I am extremely grateful, mom you will never know how much that means to me, because there was this part of me that thought I would be going through this without my family.  I in some ways expected the response of when you found out I was lesbian, and the turmoil that came from that.  I know no matter what happens from here forward it is already better than that time.  I actually want to come home to visit you  mom…. it has been way tooo long.

I guess the things that I worry about with this trip are more my insecurities than my moms, or anyone else’s for that matter.   I do wonder how my mom will take to me and how I look.  Though we talk and she hears how deep my voice is, and she has seen pics of me on facebook, I wonder how it will feel for both of us to see each other for the first time.  For her to meet her other son, and for me to look at my mom through these eyes, the eyes of her son…I will find out Thur morning…. as I will travel all night tomorrow to make my way home…..

The other piece to this for me is going to my high school reunion….. some time I think I am CRAZY for wanting to do this…. high school was a time where I struggled to fit in and find myself…. Now that I have found me…. will people be ok seeing me now?????  I don’t know….  I imagine like with most things, some will have no problem with it, grab a cocktail and start talking with me…. others will probably look and point, others will move far away in the room, and then there are some who won’t even notice…..   I am looking forward to the ones who will grab a cocktail and start talking…..   With the advent of social media I am friends with quite a few people from high school.  I have put myself out there to the world by putting my transition on facebook, so those who are my friends there know…. So this I think will make it easier in 3 days when we all get together for drinks, and friendship and to talk about the good old days…. If you are my friend on facebook you know making this easier for all of us to get to the grab a drink part…..

I may be scared and nervous, but I am also very excited, excited to let myself shine to my mom, and friends that I don’t get to see very often.  Because I am more me than I ever have been, and I am more confident than I ever have and I am at peace more too.

BHS Class of 87 and MOM here I come –

Robbie

Advertisements

Whole lotta insights……

Posted: March 21, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

So, it appears that I feel like i must have lots to say in order to write….. Silly me…. Blogs do not need to be pages long…. they can be short… is what I finally told myself on walk with the dog and yet another start to a blog runs through my head.  When will I learn to just put down what is going on in my head, my heart and even my life even if it is just a few lines… there is no reason to keep that stuff inside… that is what I started this for anyway…..  Here goes… the bunch of half started blogs in my head…. enjoy.

Labels – this is something that I had not really even thought about til it was brought up.  I have been asked, so are you straight now?  and I was taken aback by that when I first heard it.  I understand how it could be thought that I would be straight… I am a man, and I am dating a woman and well when you put those two together you think straight….  I think it is interesting that we need to put labels on people to know where they fit… first I was a lesbian, then that transformed into dyke, or butch…. It is these labels that can be used to define us, whether they come from ourselves or the outside world.  The create a space for us to fit in, for groups that we “belong” to… sometimes in our eyes, and sometimes in societies eyes.  A way for the world to manage us better.  It will be interesting to see how semantics change among groups as I go through this transition…. I am sure that the more “manly” I look that the straight community will not even notice my entrance into it, while the lesbian community will notice the change.    If you must put a label on me, to help fit into the world better, I am a transgendered man… but I prefered just Robbie, that is all the label I need…..

Family – they are part of us no matter what, whether we do something the are proud of, or scared of, they are there.  We hope to hear more from them on the proud of things… but for me at least I seem to hear from them more on the scared of, and not sure if this is a good idea things…. My family was the first people I told (besides my girlfriend), and they were shocked, which was not surprising.  I since have kept my mom in the loop about everything that is going on with me and my transition.  She asked to know, she gets mad if I don’t tell her things.  It has created a whole new relationship with my mom… the kind I wanted when I was a kid, going through the rough and uncertain time of puberty and life.  I am very grateful that I get to have that kind of experience with her now.  I appreciate her so much more and I find I look forward to calling her weekly and letting her know what is going on in my life, and I look forward to her asking and truly wanting to know how things are.  I know this is hard for her, I hear it in her voice, in her response to some of the things I say.  The great thing is we talk about it, he communicates to me that she finds something hard to hear, or understand.  And just like always she has her opinions on how I look, and that I still need to look good no matter what gender I am…..  The rest of my family I told is having a hard time with this…. I understand, really I do.  They are scared for me, which I can see.  They love me and they want the best for me, so I can see their worry.  The one thing I urge to them, and really anyone, instead of living in fear for me, being scared that I am making the worst mistake of my life, and that in the end I will not be any better or happier where I am (just speculations here) join me in this process.  Get to know me, talk to me, ask me questions, be present with me as I embark on this journey.  I am very open about this, what I am doing how I feel.  For me the scary parts came with struggling with the decision.  Trying to reconcile with myself if this is what I really want, is this who I am.  Can I be happy in life living as a butch lesbian.  Those struggles where hard, living that life was hard.  I admit at that time I was not as open about it as I am now.  I was afraid, so my fear kept all of this locked inside, rarely coming out.  And that was no way to live.  That is why it was probably a shocker to my family when I told them, they did not hear any of the internal struggles, the compromises I made because I was scared.  If you wanna know about those too, I will gladly share them.  I have learned a lot from them, and I have too much love for myself to hide anything anymore, no matter how scary to me, to my friends, my family it is no way to live.  So to my family I love you all, and I understand your struggles.  I wish you to be part of my life, this one, and hope you join me in this journey.  I think you will find it is not as scary as you think it is.

It is about 2 1/2 months since I started injections, and walking out of the house everyday living as a man.  There are still aspects of it that I wish would move faster, and parts of it that I am glad are going slow.  I see more and more each day a person that has been there all along, just could not show himself.  The person looking back at me in the mirror more and more resonates with who I am on the inside, and that to me is priceless…..

I LOVE who I am…. no labels, no fear, just me…. Robbie – spiritual and human being.

The First Days….

Posted: February 27, 2012 in The Beginning, Uncategorized

This week was filled with nervous excitement, like the first day of school.  What to wear, what will people think, how will it feel to be back in the clinic, back to doling what I LOVE…. as a man….  I know no big deal right?  For me it was HUGE!!!!! Though nothing has changed on the outside that I think most people can see… sooo much has changed within me since I began the process of becoming who I am….

This week I have been met with nothing but well wishes, congratulations, and talk of what a brave thing I am doing.  I have been taken aback by the kindness which my patients have shown me, it is more than I ever imagined.

I have been curious how this change would be part of my practice, with starting it when I was not practicing, it was hard to know.  With no routine, the ups and downs that I have been experiencing have seemed to be so much on the extreme…. this week with a routine, and a sense of purpose, diving back into what I LOVE, the ups and downs so far have been low-key.  For this am very grateful…. I did not and do not like those severe swings.

I have found that I feel different at work….. different in a good way though… I am a very intuitive person, and it has always come out in working with people.  This week, it is apparent to me that the more I become my TRUE self, the more I will tap into ALL the things that make me a great healer, a great practitioner… just an overall great person…..

I feel I have been blessed in that I have a career that I LOVE, and that I can move forward into my TRUE self simultaneously.  Pam has been wonderful this week… she has listened to me pradle on about this, that and the other thing when it comes to work.  This was one of the ways that I knew I truly missed being the full me…..

I love stepping into this path that I have been in search of for so long.  There has been soo much pain to get here… more than I even realized, more than I think I ever wanted to see…. It is nice to be without having to fit into the rolls that others see for me, or want for me, or even that I think I need to be in to conform.  There has been so much compromise in my life, little things that I never realized were compromised, all in the name to make someone else ok, someone else happy, fit into someone else’s view of who I am….

The ups and downs

Posted: February 16, 2012 in The Beginning

IT has been a while since I have written in here, though in my head I have written about 7-8 entries.  The hardest thing is to get things out of my head an into some medium.  I have said many times I wish I just had an internal jump drive I could remove and download the content for use at a later date.  Until that happens I will have to settle for trying a little harder to get the words from my head to this blog.

I just started week 6 of T, and things have been interesting. What do I mean by interesting….  I have periods of time where nothing feels or seems different at all, kind of boring and some days disappointing.  Then I have days of feeling awesome, of accomplishing anything…. of being uber productive….. Those I like, cause lots gets done, and I feel great in the process.  Then I have days where I am exhausted, like I just got done running a marathon and all I want to do is sleep.  Then I can’t forget the nights where no matter how many different things I do my brain does not shut up and I can not sleep…. tonight being one of those nights, writing this wonderful blog at 3:45 am after many attempts to sleep in bed, or the recliner or the sofa.  I final gave up and here I am writing….  For some people what I described might be ‘normal’ for them, but for me it can make me crazy.  For many years now even when stressed I have been even keeled…. my swings where min at best and unnoticed by most, including me.  It feels some days I am on one end of the extreme and then next I have swung to the other… with brief stops in the middle.  One of the hard parts is that I am not sure if this is a common side effect from T, or if it just the way my mind and body are handling it.

During the beginning of this transition I have not been working, and for any who know me that is a big thing.  I love what I do, and not being able to do it, for any period of time is frustrating in and of itself.  So  I ponder are these ups and downs from day-to-day part of the changes from T or are they part of the fact that I have not been working for 2 months and have not had any kind fo regular schedule?  This question will be answered next week– YEAH!!! I will be going back to work next week.  The thought of this is exciting and a little scary.  Scary in the sense that I let all of my patients (or as many as I could remember) know that I would be transitioning.  When I told other people about this, they wondered why, I have no real obligation with my license to do so.  I did it because I have respect for my patients, as well as I did not want to shock the heck out of them one day when they would come in and see facial hair and more masculine features without it being Halloween, especially when some of them come in just once a month.  I would like to know if it was me.  SO the scary comes into play in that was the last large group that I wanted to tell, and the wondering what they will think, will they continue to see me, will they say anything to me… the usual insecurities…..  At the same time I plan to walk into work Monday morning ready to be the best healer I know how, and to jump back into doing what I love.  I figure if I do that then the patients will come, whether it be everyone from that list, or a host of new people who have no idea that I use to be a woman.

I spend my time and energy trying to embrace these day-to-day challenges instead of bitching about them, figuring the later is just a waste of my energy.  The person I feel most sorry for in all this is my girlfriend.  I never know what kind of day it si gonna be, and with some of these days there is much more emotion, and I already am a pretty emotional person.  I think the emotion comes from not wanting to be the assholes on T, the kind of guy that gets upset easily, that flies off the handle, that gets angry.  I get more frustrated at myself, cause I can’t control how I feel, I seem to not know what kind of mood I will be in.  I am looking for and possibly noticing patterns, cause that is what I do, but I have not come up with anything conclusive yet.  I have noticed I can be more critical of myself when I am in the tired stage.  Those are the days there is more negative self talk than I would like.  Again I ponder how much of this is from the T, and how much of this is from not working for 2 months?  I guess I will have to let time tell me this one.

These are some of the ups and downs I am feeling right now.  I am sure I will be writing more about them as I go through this process.  I think I need to remind myself that it is truly a process.  Boys do not become men over night, they have a cycle to go through, what I am doing is no different, except I have the knowledge of 42 years and one puberty all ready, and that I will not become a man, in the physical sense of the word over night.

With this blog comes the last of the big things… if you are reading this, that means you where curious about a post and a link on Facebook.  It is time to let the rest of the world know the changes that I am experiencing and the who I am that is different from the who they knew in the past.

Thanks for reading….

Robbie

The Process Begins

Posted: January 13, 2012 in The Beginning

I have decided to write a blog (though bear with me I am not that good right now) about the biggest thing going on in my life.  This way I can share with any of you who want to know what it is like to be me… more importantly what it is like to go through the transition that I am embarking on.  For those of you who do not know, I am in the process of transitioning from female to male.  I know probably a shocker for some of you, and probably a no brainer for others of you.

This is a big thing in my life, and though most of you are just hearing about it now, it is a process that started many months, even years ago.  For most of the people who knew me in high school it was not shocking to find out I was a lesbian… I am sure many of them thought it to be true back then, and it probably was… I was just not aware of it.  Being a lesbian was an easy coming out for me, my world to that point made sense as soon as I came out.  I have loved loving woman ever since, and life has been good for the most part… there are always those ups and downs in relationships….

But there was still something missing in my life….. something just not right when I looked in the mirror, when I looked at the totality of me… The person looking back at me, was not me… not the REAL ME anyway.  So thus began a very hesitant exploration into what was missing and what would fit… The years of short hair and being mistaken as a man in the women’s room, well they never bothered me, I liked being called sir by mistake.  Girl cloths… well they never fit right, they where not comfortable.  Shaving, that was too much work… first the arms, then the legs.  But they all still did not quite give me that matching feeling of what I saw and who I knew I was on the inside.  The closet I came was when I was doing drag king shows…. but that feeling never lasted long enough.  “Dressing-up” at home was the next best thing.  “Putting” on that facial hair, packing, binding down my chest…. playing a male every Halloween that I could, just to have an excuses.  Again they where not enough, my life was not mine, I was not me.

So here I am traveling down a new road, with a whole new life ahead of me and I am so FRACKIN’ EXCITED (sorry been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica lately).  This week I started my first injection of Testosterone (or “T” as you will hear me refer to it).  It was a very exciting and scary process.  The needles where kind of intimidating.  I have many tattoos and have given and received acupuncture… but man the thought of that needle in my leg, it was a little scary.  It took me a good 10 min to work up putting it.  Then it startled me I actually pulled the needle out.  After another try at it, I was able to successfully administered my first dose of T.

I will say, it is a gradual process, the amount of T that one gets.  So this first dose was very small.  As of yet, and we are almost 24hrs post initial injection, there are no dramatic changes.  I did not expect any really.  What I have heard and read are that the voice is one of the first things to change.  So I will be interested in seeing how low mine becomes and how squeaky it gets on its way there.  This will be like doing puberty all over again, only with a lot more knowledge, and from the other side.  It will be interesting for sure.

Well, that is all for my first blog.  I will be adding pics (if I am able) or at least links to stuff so you can see the physical changes along with reading about them.

Thanks for reading.

Robbie