The ups and downs

IT has been a while since I have written in here, though in my head I have written about 7-8 entries.  The hardest thing is to get things out of my head an into some medium.  I have said many times I wish I just had an internal jump drive I could remove and download the content for use at a later date.  Until that happens I will have to settle for trying a little harder to get the words from my head to this blog.

I just started week 6 of T, and things have been interesting. What do I mean by interesting….  I have periods of time where nothing feels or seems different at all, kind of boring and some days disappointing.  Then I have days of feeling awesome, of accomplishing anything…. of being uber productive….. Those I like, cause lots gets done, and I feel great in the process.  Then I have days where I am exhausted, like I just got done running a marathon and all I want to do is sleep.  Then I can’t forget the nights where no matter how many different things I do my brain does not shut up and I can not sleep…. tonight being one of those nights, writing this wonderful blog at 3:45 am after many attempts to sleep in bed, or the recliner or the sofa.  I final gave up and here I am writing….  For some people what I described might be ‘normal’ for them, but for me it can make me crazy.  For many years now even when stressed I have been even keeled…. my swings where min at best and unnoticed by most, including me.  It feels some days I am on one end of the extreme and then next I have swung to the other… with brief stops in the middle.  One of the hard parts is that I am not sure if this is a common side effect from T, or if it just the way my mind and body are handling it.

During the beginning of this transition I have not been working, and for any who know me that is a big thing.  I love what I do, and not being able to do it, for any period of time is frustrating in and of itself.  So  I ponder are these ups and downs from day-to-day part of the changes from T or are they part of the fact that I have not been working for 2 months and have not had any kind fo regular schedule?  This question will be answered next week– YEAH!!! I will be going back to work next week.  The thought of this is exciting and a little scary.  Scary in the sense that I let all of my patients (or as many as I could remember) know that I would be transitioning.  When I told other people about this, they wondered why, I have no real obligation with my license to do so.  I did it because I have respect for my patients, as well as I did not want to shock the heck out of them one day when they would come in and see facial hair and more masculine features without it being Halloween, especially when some of them come in just once a month.  I would like to know if it was me.  SO the scary comes into play in that was the last large group that I wanted to tell, and the wondering what they will think, will they continue to see me, will they say anything to me… the usual insecurities…..  At the same time I plan to walk into work Monday morning ready to be the best healer I know how, and to jump back into doing what I love.  I figure if I do that then the patients will come, whether it be everyone from that list, or a host of new people who have no idea that I use to be a woman.

I spend my time and energy trying to embrace these day-to-day challenges instead of bitching about them, figuring the later is just a waste of my energy.  The person I feel most sorry for in all this is my girlfriend.  I never know what kind of day it si gonna be, and with some of these days there is much more emotion, and I already am a pretty emotional person.  I think the emotion comes from not wanting to be the assholes on T, the kind of guy that gets upset easily, that flies off the handle, that gets angry.  I get more frustrated at myself, cause I can’t control how I feel, I seem to not know what kind of mood I will be in.  I am looking for and possibly noticing patterns, cause that is what I do, but I have not come up with anything conclusive yet.  I have noticed I can be more critical of myself when I am in the tired stage.  Those are the days there is more negative self talk than I would like.  Again I ponder how much of this is from the T, and how much of this is from not working for 2 months?  I guess I will have to let time tell me this one.

These are some of the ups and downs I am feeling right now.  I am sure I will be writing more about them as I go through this process.  I think I need to remind myself that it is truly a process.  Boys do not become men over night, they have a cycle to go through, what I am doing is no different, except I have the knowledge of 42 years and one puberty all ready, and that I will not become a man, in the physical sense of the word over night.

With this blog comes the last of the big things… if you are reading this, that means you where curious about a post and a link on Facebook.  It is time to let the rest of the world know the changes that I am experiencing and the who I am that is different from the who they knew in the past.

Thanks for reading….

Robbie