Whole lotta insights……

Posted: March 21, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , ,

So, it appears that I feel like i must have lots to say in order to write….. Silly me…. Blogs do not need to be pages long…. they can be short… is what I finally told myself on walk with the dog and yet another start to a blog runs through my head.  When will I learn to just put down what is going on in my head, my heart and even my life even if it is just a few lines… there is no reason to keep that stuff inside… that is what I started this for anyway…..  Here goes… the bunch of half started blogs in my head…. enjoy.

Labels – this is something that I had not really even thought about til it was brought up.  I have been asked, so are you straight now?  and I was taken aback by that when I first heard it.  I understand how it could be thought that I would be straight… I am a man, and I am dating a woman and well when you put those two together you think straight….  I think it is interesting that we need to put labels on people to know where they fit… first I was a lesbian, then that transformed into dyke, or butch…. It is these labels that can be used to define us, whether they come from ourselves or the outside world.  The create a space for us to fit in, for groups that we “belong” to… sometimes in our eyes, and sometimes in societies eyes.  A way for the world to manage us better.  It will be interesting to see how semantics change among groups as I go through this transition…. I am sure that the more “manly” I look that the straight community will not even notice my entrance into it, while the lesbian community will notice the change.    If you must put a label on me, to help fit into the world better, I am a transgendered man… but I prefered just Robbie, that is all the label I need…..

Family – they are part of us no matter what, whether we do something the are proud of, or scared of, they are there.  We hope to hear more from them on the proud of things… but for me at least I seem to hear from them more on the scared of, and not sure if this is a good idea things…. My family was the first people I told (besides my girlfriend), and they were shocked, which was not surprising.  I since have kept my mom in the loop about everything that is going on with me and my transition.  She asked to know, she gets mad if I don’t tell her things.  It has created a whole new relationship with my mom… the kind I wanted when I was a kid, going through the rough and uncertain time of puberty and life.  I am very grateful that I get to have that kind of experience with her now.  I appreciate her so much more and I find I look forward to calling her weekly and letting her know what is going on in my life, and I look forward to her asking and truly wanting to know how things are.  I know this is hard for her, I hear it in her voice, in her response to some of the things I say.  The great thing is we talk about it, he communicates to me that she finds something hard to hear, or understand.  And just like always she has her opinions on how I look, and that I still need to look good no matter what gender I am…..  The rest of my family I told is having a hard time with this…. I understand, really I do.  They are scared for me, which I can see.  They love me and they want the best for me, so I can see their worry.  The one thing I urge to them, and really anyone, instead of living in fear for me, being scared that I am making the worst mistake of my life, and that in the end I will not be any better or happier where I am (just speculations here) join me in this process.  Get to know me, talk to me, ask me questions, be present with me as I embark on this journey.  I am very open about this, what I am doing how I feel.  For me the scary parts came with struggling with the decision.  Trying to reconcile with myself if this is what I really want, is this who I am.  Can I be happy in life living as a butch lesbian.  Those struggles where hard, living that life was hard.  I admit at that time I was not as open about it as I am now.  I was afraid, so my fear kept all of this locked inside, rarely coming out.  And that was no way to live.  That is why it was probably a shocker to my family when I told them, they did not hear any of the internal struggles, the compromises I made because I was scared.  If you wanna know about those too, I will gladly share them.  I have learned a lot from them, and I have too much love for myself to hide anything anymore, no matter how scary to me, to my friends, my family it is no way to live.  So to my family I love you all, and I understand your struggles.  I wish you to be part of my life, this one, and hope you join me in this journey.  I think you will find it is not as scary as you think it is.

It is about 2 1/2 months since I started injections, and walking out of the house everyday living as a man.  There are still aspects of it that I wish would move faster, and parts of it that I am glad are going slow.  I see more and more each day a person that has been there all along, just could not show himself.  The person looking back at me in the mirror more and more resonates with who I am on the inside, and that to me is priceless…..

I LOVE who I am…. no labels, no fear, just me…. Robbie – spiritual and human being.

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Comments
  1. Kelly says:

    Robbie,
    You are a great person and am glad to have met you! I prefer that people are people first and that the labels should not even be part of the equation, but unfortunately at this time it still is how our society works. I hope one day that will all go away! Dont ever loose your identity to who you are! I am proud to be a part of this transition you are going thru, even if only on a small level. Every person should be true to themselves and what makes them happy. Thanks for being my Doc! And a great ear!

  2. Congratulations for having the courage to embark on this sacred journey. Blog as often as you’re able to because your brothers coming up behind you need to know what this is like.
    The questions that arise at the intersection of gender and who you love are predictable but still such a conundrum.
    We don ‘t have an agreed-upon vocabulary for some of this stuff, and most of us are confused about how and where they intersect. Some of the most intense discussions my former partner and I had were about how his transition did – or did not – re-frame my orientation. Eventually he decided we we were a straight couple, and I decided I was a femme lesbian in a relationship with a transguy, but I think we finally decided we were just queer.

    I don’t know where your family is but there’s a wonderful readers’ theater play about ten characters in different places on the gender continuum and it can be downloded for presenting, similar to how the Vagina Monologues is done. You can also just download it and read it – the characters are truthful, having been created out of interviews with transpeople here in Oregon in the 1990s.
    It can be a great tool for helping cis-gendered people understand what life is like for people who don’t fit into binary gender boxes. It’s called Transfigurations and it’s available at AQueerResource.org.

    I also have a pretty extensive library of books on gender difference and most are not too academic, so if you’d like to borrow any of them, let me know. I did my MA project on the use of theater as a tool for promoting understanding about gender difference, both subjects being close to home for me.

    Safe journey, my friend.

    Amber Dennis

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