Archive for September, 2012

Coming Home……

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Uncategorized
Tags: , , ,

Today I have been packing for my first trip home in 5 plus years.  I have to say it is a little scary.  I keep putting out there that it will all be ok, but there is a part of me that is worried and nervous, just a bit.  I am going to see my mother for the first time since last year when I told her I was officially changing my gender.  She has been amazingly, I mean more than I ever imagined, supportive of me and my decision.  She has asked me what I want, if I am happy, how will this change things in my life, am I sure, what did she do wrong…. these and many other things have some up in the last year.  We have gotten through each question, concern, fear, joy, excitement supporting each other.  For this I am extremely grateful, mom you will never know how much that means to me, because there was this part of me that thought I would be going through this without my family.  I in some ways expected the response of when you found out I was lesbian, and the turmoil that came from that.  I know no matter what happens from here forward it is already better than that time.  I actually want to come home to visit you  mom…. it has been way tooo long.

I guess the things that I worry about with this trip are more my insecurities than my moms, or anyone else’s for that matter.   I do wonder how my mom will take to me and how I look.  Though we talk and she hears how deep my voice is, and she has seen pics of me on facebook, I wonder how it will feel for both of us to see each other for the first time.  For her to meet her other son, and for me to look at my mom through these eyes, the eyes of her son…I will find out Thur morning…. as I will travel all night tomorrow to make my way home…..

The other piece to this for me is going to my high school reunion….. some time I think I am CRAZY for wanting to do this…. high school was a time where I struggled to fit in and find myself…. Now that I have found me…. will people be ok seeing me now?????  I don’t know….  I imagine like with most things, some will have no problem with it, grab a cocktail and start talking with me…. others will probably look and point, others will move far away in the room, and then there are some who won’t even notice…..   I am looking forward to the ones who will grab a cocktail and start talking…..   With the advent of social media I am friends with quite a few people from high school.  I have put myself out there to the world by putting my transition on facebook, so those who are my friends there know…. So this I think will make it easier in 3 days when we all get together for drinks, and friendship and to talk about the good old days…. If you are my friend on facebook you know making this easier for all of us to get to the grab a drink part…..

I may be scared and nervous, but I am also very excited, excited to let myself shine to my mom, and friends that I don’t get to see very often.  Because I am more me than I ever have been, and I am more confident than I ever have and I am at peace more too.

BHS Class of 87 and MOM here I come –

Robbie