Archive for the ‘The Beginning’ Category

The First Days….

Posted: February 27, 2012 in The Beginning, Uncategorized

This week was filled with nervous excitement, like the first day of school.  What to wear, what will people think, how will it feel to be back in the clinic, back to doling what I LOVE…. as a man….  I know no big deal right?  For me it was HUGE!!!!! Though nothing has changed on the outside that I think most people can see… sooo much has changed within me since I began the process of becoming who I am….

This week I have been met with nothing but well wishes, congratulations, and talk of what a brave thing I am doing.  I have been taken aback by the kindness which my patients have shown me, it is more than I ever imagined.

I have been curious how this change would be part of my practice, with starting it when I was not practicing, it was hard to know.  With no routine, the ups and downs that I have been experiencing have seemed to be so much on the extreme…. this week with a routine, and a sense of purpose, diving back into what I LOVE, the ups and downs so far have been low-key.  For this am very grateful…. I did not and do not like those severe swings.

I have found that I feel different at work….. different in a good way though… I am a very intuitive person, and it has always come out in working with people.  This week, it is apparent to me that the more I become my TRUE self, the more I will tap into ALL the things that make me a great healer, a great practitioner… just an overall great person…..

I feel I have been blessed in that I have a career that I LOVE, and that I can move forward into my TRUE self simultaneously.  Pam has been wonderful this week… she has listened to me pradle on about this, that and the other thing when it comes to work.  This was one of the ways that I knew I truly missed being the full me…..

I love stepping into this path that I have been in search of for so long.  There has been soo much pain to get here… more than I even realized, more than I think I ever wanted to see…. It is nice to be without having to fit into the rolls that others see for me, or want for me, or even that I think I need to be in to conform.  There has been so much compromise in my life, little things that I never realized were compromised, all in the name to make someone else ok, someone else happy, fit into someone else’s view of who I am….


The ups and downs

Posted: February 16, 2012 in The Beginning

IT has been a while since I have written in here, though in my head I have written about 7-8 entries.  The hardest thing is to get things out of my head an into some medium.  I have said many times I wish I just had an internal jump drive I could remove and download the content for use at a later date.  Until that happens I will have to settle for trying a little harder to get the words from my head to this blog.

I just started week 6 of T, and things have been interesting. What do I mean by interesting….  I have periods of time where nothing feels or seems different at all, kind of boring and some days disappointing.  Then I have days of feeling awesome, of accomplishing anything…. of being uber productive….. Those I like, cause lots gets done, and I feel great in the process.  Then I have days where I am exhausted, like I just got done running a marathon and all I want to do is sleep.  Then I can’t forget the nights where no matter how many different things I do my brain does not shut up and I can not sleep…. tonight being one of those nights, writing this wonderful blog at 3:45 am after many attempts to sleep in bed, or the recliner or the sofa.  I final gave up and here I am writing….  For some people what I described might be ‘normal’ for them, but for me it can make me crazy.  For many years now even when stressed I have been even keeled…. my swings where min at best and unnoticed by most, including me.  It feels some days I am on one end of the extreme and then next I have swung to the other… with brief stops in the middle.  One of the hard parts is that I am not sure if this is a common side effect from T, or if it just the way my mind and body are handling it.

During the beginning of this transition I have not been working, and for any who know me that is a big thing.  I love what I do, and not being able to do it, for any period of time is frustrating in and of itself.  So  I ponder are these ups and downs from day-to-day part of the changes from T or are they part of the fact that I have not been working for 2 months and have not had any kind fo regular schedule?  This question will be answered next week– YEAH!!! I will be going back to work next week.  The thought of this is exciting and a little scary.  Scary in the sense that I let all of my patients (or as many as I could remember) know that I would be transitioning.  When I told other people about this, they wondered why, I have no real obligation with my license to do so.  I did it because I have respect for my patients, as well as I did not want to shock the heck out of them one day when they would come in and see facial hair and more masculine features without it being Halloween, especially when some of them come in just once a month.  I would like to know if it was me.  SO the scary comes into play in that was the last large group that I wanted to tell, and the wondering what they will think, will they continue to see me, will they say anything to me… the usual insecurities…..  At the same time I plan to walk into work Monday morning ready to be the best healer I know how, and to jump back into doing what I love.  I figure if I do that then the patients will come, whether it be everyone from that list, or a host of new people who have no idea that I use to be a woman.

I spend my time and energy trying to embrace these day-to-day challenges instead of bitching about them, figuring the later is just a waste of my energy.  The person I feel most sorry for in all this is my girlfriend.  I never know what kind of day it si gonna be, and with some of these days there is much more emotion, and I already am a pretty emotional person.  I think the emotion comes from not wanting to be the assholes on T, the kind of guy that gets upset easily, that flies off the handle, that gets angry.  I get more frustrated at myself, cause I can’t control how I feel, I seem to not know what kind of mood I will be in.  I am looking for and possibly noticing patterns, cause that is what I do, but I have not come up with anything conclusive yet.  I have noticed I can be more critical of myself when I am in the tired stage.  Those are the days there is more negative self talk than I would like.  Again I ponder how much of this is from the T, and how much of this is from not working for 2 months?  I guess I will have to let time tell me this one.

These are some of the ups and downs I am feeling right now.  I am sure I will be writing more about them as I go through this process.  I think I need to remind myself that it is truly a process.  Boys do not become men over night, they have a cycle to go through, what I am doing is no different, except I have the knowledge of 42 years and one puberty all ready, and that I will not become a man, in the physical sense of the word over night.

With this blog comes the last of the big things… if you are reading this, that means you where curious about a post and a link on Facebook.  It is time to let the rest of the world know the changes that I am experiencing and the who I am that is different from the who they knew in the past.

Thanks for reading….


The Process Begins

Posted: January 13, 2012 in The Beginning

I have decided to write a blog (though bear with me I am not that good right now) about the biggest thing going on in my life.  This way I can share with any of you who want to know what it is like to be me… more importantly what it is like to go through the transition that I am embarking on.  For those of you who do not know, I am in the process of transitioning from female to male.  I know probably a shocker for some of you, and probably a no brainer for others of you.

This is a big thing in my life, and though most of you are just hearing about it now, it is a process that started many months, even years ago.  For most of the people who knew me in high school it was not shocking to find out I was a lesbian… I am sure many of them thought it to be true back then, and it probably was… I was just not aware of it.  Being a lesbian was an easy coming out for me, my world to that point made sense as soon as I came out.  I have loved loving woman ever since, and life has been good for the most part… there are always those ups and downs in relationships….

But there was still something missing in my life….. something just not right when I looked in the mirror, when I looked at the totality of me… The person looking back at me, was not me… not the REAL ME anyway.  So thus began a very hesitant exploration into what was missing and what would fit… The years of short hair and being mistaken as a man in the women’s room, well they never bothered me, I liked being called sir by mistake.  Girl cloths… well they never fit right, they where not comfortable.  Shaving, that was too much work… first the arms, then the legs.  But they all still did not quite give me that matching feeling of what I saw and who I knew I was on the inside.  The closet I came was when I was doing drag king shows…. but that feeling never lasted long enough.  “Dressing-up” at home was the next best thing.  “Putting” on that facial hair, packing, binding down my chest…. playing a male every Halloween that I could, just to have an excuses.  Again they where not enough, my life was not mine, I was not me.

So here I am traveling down a new road, with a whole new life ahead of me and I am so FRACKIN’ EXCITED (sorry been watching a lot of Battlestar Galactica lately).  This week I started my first injection of Testosterone (or “T” as you will hear me refer to it).  It was a very exciting and scary process.  The needles where kind of intimidating.  I have many tattoos and have given and received acupuncture… but man the thought of that needle in my leg, it was a little scary.  It took me a good 10 min to work up putting it.  Then it startled me I actually pulled the needle out.  After another try at it, I was able to successfully administered my first dose of T.

I will say, it is a gradual process, the amount of T that one gets.  So this first dose was very small.  As of yet, and we are almost 24hrs post initial injection, there are no dramatic changes.  I did not expect any really.  What I have heard and read are that the voice is one of the first things to change.  So I will be interested in seeing how low mine becomes and how squeaky it gets on its way there.  This will be like doing puberty all over again, only with a lot more knowledge, and from the other side.  It will be interesting for sure.

Well, that is all for my first blog.  I will be adding pics (if I am able) or at least links to stuff so you can see the physical changes along with reading about them.

Thanks for reading.