Posts Tagged ‘FTM’

Coming Home……

Posted: September 19, 2012 in Uncategorized
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Today I have been packing for my first trip home in 5 plus years.  I have to say it is a little scary.  I keep putting out there that it will all be ok, but there is a part of me that is worried and nervous, just a bit.  I am going to see my mother for the first time since last year when I told her I was officially changing my gender.  She has been amazingly, I mean more than I ever imagined, supportive of me and my decision.  She has asked me what I want, if I am happy, how will this change things in my life, am I sure, what did she do wrong…. these and many other things have some up in the last year.  We have gotten through each question, concern, fear, joy, excitement supporting each other.  For this I am extremely grateful, mom you will never know how much that means to me, because there was this part of me that thought I would be going through this without my family.  I in some ways expected the response of when you found out I was lesbian, and the turmoil that came from that.  I know no matter what happens from here forward it is already better than that time.  I actually want to come home to visit you  mom…. it has been way tooo long.

I guess the things that I worry about with this trip are more my insecurities than my moms, or anyone else’s for that matter.   I do wonder how my mom will take to me and how I look.  Though we talk and she hears how deep my voice is, and she has seen pics of me on facebook, I wonder how it will feel for both of us to see each other for the first time.  For her to meet her other son, and for me to look at my mom through these eyes, the eyes of her son…I will find out Thur morning…. as I will travel all night tomorrow to make my way home…..

The other piece to this for me is going to my high school reunion….. some time I think I am CRAZY for wanting to do this…. high school was a time where I struggled to fit in and find myself…. Now that I have found me…. will people be ok seeing me now?????  I don’t know….  I imagine like with most things, some will have no problem with it, grab a cocktail and start talking with me…. others will probably look and point, others will move far away in the room, and then there are some who won’t even notice…..   I am looking forward to the ones who will grab a cocktail and start talking…..   With the advent of social media I am friends with quite a few people from high school.  I have put myself out there to the world by putting my transition on facebook, so those who are my friends there know…. So this I think will make it easier in 3 days when we all get together for drinks, and friendship and to talk about the good old days…. If you are my friend on facebook you know making this easier for all of us to get to the grab a drink part…..

I may be scared and nervous, but I am also very excited, excited to let myself shine to my mom, and friends that I don’t get to see very often.  Because I am more me than I ever have been, and I am more confident than I ever have and I am at peace more too.

BHS Class of 87 and MOM here I come –

Robbie

Whole lotta insights……

Posted: March 21, 2012 in Uncategorized
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So, it appears that I feel like i must have lots to say in order to write….. Silly me…. Blogs do not need to be pages long…. they can be short… is what I finally told myself on walk with the dog and yet another start to a blog runs through my head.  When will I learn to just put down what is going on in my head, my heart and even my life even if it is just a few lines… there is no reason to keep that stuff inside… that is what I started this for anyway…..  Here goes… the bunch of half started blogs in my head…. enjoy.

Labels – this is something that I had not really even thought about til it was brought up.  I have been asked, so are you straight now?  and I was taken aback by that when I first heard it.  I understand how it could be thought that I would be straight… I am a man, and I am dating a woman and well when you put those two together you think straight….  I think it is interesting that we need to put labels on people to know where they fit… first I was a lesbian, then that transformed into dyke, or butch…. It is these labels that can be used to define us, whether they come from ourselves or the outside world.  The create a space for us to fit in, for groups that we “belong” to… sometimes in our eyes, and sometimes in societies eyes.  A way for the world to manage us better.  It will be interesting to see how semantics change among groups as I go through this transition…. I am sure that the more “manly” I look that the straight community will not even notice my entrance into it, while the lesbian community will notice the change.    If you must put a label on me, to help fit into the world better, I am a transgendered man… but I prefered just Robbie, that is all the label I need…..

Family – they are part of us no matter what, whether we do something the are proud of, or scared of, they are there.  We hope to hear more from them on the proud of things… but for me at least I seem to hear from them more on the scared of, and not sure if this is a good idea things…. My family was the first people I told (besides my girlfriend), and they were shocked, which was not surprising.  I since have kept my mom in the loop about everything that is going on with me and my transition.  She asked to know, she gets mad if I don’t tell her things.  It has created a whole new relationship with my mom… the kind I wanted when I was a kid, going through the rough and uncertain time of puberty and life.  I am very grateful that I get to have that kind of experience with her now.  I appreciate her so much more and I find I look forward to calling her weekly and letting her know what is going on in my life, and I look forward to her asking and truly wanting to know how things are.  I know this is hard for her, I hear it in her voice, in her response to some of the things I say.  The great thing is we talk about it, he communicates to me that she finds something hard to hear, or understand.  And just like always she has her opinions on how I look, and that I still need to look good no matter what gender I am…..  The rest of my family I told is having a hard time with this…. I understand, really I do.  They are scared for me, which I can see.  They love me and they want the best for me, so I can see their worry.  The one thing I urge to them, and really anyone, instead of living in fear for me, being scared that I am making the worst mistake of my life, and that in the end I will not be any better or happier where I am (just speculations here) join me in this process.  Get to know me, talk to me, ask me questions, be present with me as I embark on this journey.  I am very open about this, what I am doing how I feel.  For me the scary parts came with struggling with the decision.  Trying to reconcile with myself if this is what I really want, is this who I am.  Can I be happy in life living as a butch lesbian.  Those struggles where hard, living that life was hard.  I admit at that time I was not as open about it as I am now.  I was afraid, so my fear kept all of this locked inside, rarely coming out.  And that was no way to live.  That is why it was probably a shocker to my family when I told them, they did not hear any of the internal struggles, the compromises I made because I was scared.  If you wanna know about those too, I will gladly share them.  I have learned a lot from them, and I have too much love for myself to hide anything anymore, no matter how scary to me, to my friends, my family it is no way to live.  So to my family I love you all, and I understand your struggles.  I wish you to be part of my life, this one, and hope you join me in this journey.  I think you will find it is not as scary as you think it is.

It is about 2 1/2 months since I started injections, and walking out of the house everyday living as a man.  There are still aspects of it that I wish would move faster, and parts of it that I am glad are going slow.  I see more and more each day a person that has been there all along, just could not show himself.  The person looking back at me in the mirror more and more resonates with who I am on the inside, and that to me is priceless…..

I LOVE who I am…. no labels, no fear, just me…. Robbie – spiritual and human being.